Hello, I am theo:)

Monday, July 28, 2008 { 6:33 AM }

i seriously have got a problem. and what's that problem you may ask. i keep on eating!!!! oh no. i'm already fat. like what can i do? gosh. if this carries on, i dont need to think about my future already. i'll be ostracised and everyone will laugh at me and yada yada which i already experienced-.-" hahaas! something must be done to stop me from eating. theodora, you fat pig. but wait. am i really that fat? i only a bit fat only what. chubby only what. really very fat mehs? ahhhhh. feel like hiding myself now.

Sunday, July 27, 2008 { 1:14 AM }

i found out that i really really miss you. it's been almost a month and although i thought i have forgotten you, you're still in the back of my mind. your messages never failed to touch my heart and i feel that i really miss those times spent with you. i miss quarelling with you, disturbing you and talking to you..i feel so lonely now without you here. how i wished you didnt return home. well, maybe it's best this way. i guess if you stay here longer it'll be even harder for me to get used to your absence. i wish you would do well just like you said you'll always wish me good luck. i dont want to lose contact with you..you're my very very very very very good friend(:(: whom i'll never ever forget. may you be successful in whatever you do.

Saturday, July 26, 2008 { 6:40 AM }

ice-skating is fun yet scary. this is just like somethings. it's dangerous yet you want so much to try it. sigh. today is meet the parents. hmmm..what should i say? the same things are being said and i've got to just do the same things. oh wells. and though my mum didnt scold me, i'm so sure she'll use that reason to nag at me when i come home late and stuff. but it's not as though i want to purposely go home late or get this kind of shit results right? oh wells. life's like that anyways. i'll just have to learn to take it. this week's been a lot for me. there has been embarrassing moments, happy moments and panick moments, but it is all these that made me feel something about my life this week. thank god for this week because there is no sad moments(: jia you everyone who is working to stay alive, including me that is.

Saturday, July 19, 2008 { 6:11 AM }

yesterday was sajc's investiture. i did not have any lessons yesterday because i went for it(: my first period was a break, so at the second period, i left to change into my blazer. hahaas. and i was kind of unlucky because where ever i went, i mean the toilets, it was packed. so when i finally went to one where there's no one, i was so happy. you know it's weird when you take your blazer and skirt and walk into the toilet and everyone stares at you. you know that feeling? ok. so finally i managed to change into my blazer. i was praying as i changed ok..because when i left for the toilet, i saw her. i was so scared when i head back for council room she will be there! but thank god she left(: so edwin, weisheng and me did all the procedure to leave school and were soon on our way there. we took a train to cityhall then walked to st andrews cathedral. we were a bit late when we finally reached that place and we were like taken from one place to anothere. but we finally settled down after a while. i was kinda guilty because we made three girls change their seats because of us. sorry! they had like a procession (if that's how you spell it) to like "put" all the councillor in god's hands(: i'm sure under god's guidance, they'll do well(:(: after everything i waited outside for queen. saw queen and took the gloves from her. thank you queen! after that we were walking out of the cathedral when we decided to eat lunch before heading back. we finally decided on eating thai express. i didnt eat anything because i was kinda full. so i just drank the avocado milkshake. it's so tasty! after eating, we took a taxi back to school because edwin need to rush back. and he was the one who paid the taxi fare which i dont know cost how much. so sorry=P my leg is so painful! why? because i go act smart. dont want to wear stockings. so i had like abrasions at the back of my legs. ouch. i met thendral at the atrium and she accompanied me to change back into my uniform. i went to grab a bite after changing and guess what? i saw him! yay! i was so happy and like talked nonsense to thendral. "i can feel you all around me.." lalala~ i also dont know why i was so happy. i purposely sat down to eat in the canteen because i wanted to see him. but he left when i sat down, so..i went to the study benches with thendral to do the tamil thingy. as she need the write up by yesterday, die die also must send, we rushed to the library and there she was so distracted. but i managed to get her to finish up whatever we need to finish. then we went to change into our jeans and school based t-shirt for ice-skating. at 3.15, we gathered in front of the GO for attendence taking and sat there a while before heading for jurong fuji palace. i love ice-skating! although it's so scary. at first i didnt dare let go of the railings(?) but in the end, i slowly learnt. i was so scared to fall that's why i went about skating very slowly and didnt dare to do all the stunts. i'm doing everything step by step ok? i'm so sorry for screaming for nothing la..hahaas! pardon me. but i'm looking forward to next week's ice-skating. i love B2 also. cuz everyone there very nice and encouraging(:(: and i'm thankful for thendral! THANK YOU. hahaas! i feeling sick-.- headache now..but i must finish my homework. jia you theodora(: you can do it!

Thursday, July 17, 2008 { 3:54 AM }

i had a horrible day again, as usual. during maths lecture, i got caught for studying chem. and the lecturer walked up to me and took my chem notes away. and she asked me a few questions. and she saw my nametag. which made me rather scared, guilty and sad. i'm really sorry for studying chem during maths lecture. i promise i'll never ever do that in my life again. i'm so sorry..and this incident spoilt my mood for the whole day. i started to emo-.-" again right. i dont know why ever since i stepped into a jc, my whole world is filled only with tears. it's collasping..i'm too weak to hold it up. then i figured out i wanted some time alone in the toilet, so i left the canteen without thendral and yinmei. i'm so sorry to make you all think i'm angry with you all ok. i'm just crazy all of a sudden. and this morning's presentation on the SPA made me think of muncho. i missed him. suddenly i dont understand why when i love (i still love him now, even when he's gone.) and missed my muncho so much, other people are abondoning their pets. then i thought of the times when i had him and my maid. those were the times when i had little troubles. i wish i could return to the past, when i was sec one..no worries, little brat unaware of her surroundings..hahaas. i love my past(:(:(: i ended up falling into the abyss of my past. i kept on thinking and thinking..and i ended up crying again. such a loser. but what made me really happy was the programme after school. school ended at around 2.35 after the talk by some external speaker. then i went to meet queen, huishan, mians, yiting and liyan at marina. after leaving pizza hut where yiting and liyan left for some other things, queen, huishan, mians and me went breeks (is it how they spell it?). we sat there and talked until it was time for us to leave. i miss them a lot. just love the time spent with them(: and tomorrow i'll get to see queen again! hahaas.
thank you everyone who cared about me. i really thank you all. i dont know why i became like that now..how i wish i am who i was back then. now i'm still in a phase whereby i'm trying to break free from my negative thoughts about my surroundings. it will take time, patience and pain, but i'm trying very hard. i'm also trying my best to work harder for my subjects. jia you theo! i'll work till i drop dead.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 { 6:21 AM }

i bled yesterday during pw lecture. my gums bled. it was a bit painful and the blood, it tasted kind of salty and rusty. for a moment i realised, i am actually alive. i bled. and i can feel the pain. i am still alive. yea. you bleed just to know you're alive.

{ 5:57 AM }

i feel so stupid. really really dumb. i cant believe how a dumbass like me can ever survive on this planet. i mean..dumbasses like me aint suppose to be here at all! god..i just feel extremely sucky today. it all started in the morning when i made yihui late to school again. man..i feel damn bad because it's my fault that she's late again. and then she had to pay $2 fine because she decided to wait for me. what a horrible friend i am. and i am such a trouble maker. i bring nothing but trouble and problem to people around me. everything was well well well until the last period. when i got back my chem spa manual. guess what i got? 2! so stupid of me right? i bet you cant believe i got such a low mark. ha. and when she returned me my paper she added, "theodora, what happened to you?" that added to my grief. you know what? i have no confidence in my studies now. i dont know how to face the coming workload. i kind of expected failure. and i dont know if i should feel this way or not. well, my hardwork is not recognised what can i do? chemistry, i dont think i have chemistry with you. in the first place, i didnt want to take you. but i dont know why, i ended up having to study you. wait. why am i even in where i am now? i seriously have no idea. WHY WHY WHY. these are the only words filling my empty head (remember i have no brains). i so confused now..i want to live by the sea! or stay in the country side where i can look at the meadows and watch the clear blue sky..sigh.

Thursday, July 10, 2008 { 7:02 AM }

Wednesday, July 09, 2008 { 5:30 AM }

many people around me have told me that their life suck. i too think that my life suck. well..is this true for people who are growing up? is teenage life like that at all? or is it us only? this few days, many things have happened. and all these things just happened so fast i didnt know how to react to them all. maybe it'll help me grow? i dont know. i miss the past..i hate my life now..i dont know how to face it):

to you: you are so rude. being straightforward is something good, but being blunt is not. many times you've said things that are so blunt it hurts. i will keep all these and not tell you how i feel because i'm not a person who like to say out what's on my mind. but you never stopped to notice. you just went about doing what you like. i was there when you needed someone. when i needed someone? who was there for me? definitely not you. you dont even know why i treated you like that! how funny. let me give you a clue then. what did you do yesterday? have you left someone out? and not cared about her existence? i bet you did. and the person you ignored, was me. well, you think you matter that much to me? i would say, no. haha. i think..you suck! sorry, but i'm not being rude or what, i'm just being straightforward. is this familiar to you? hey, stop and look around. feel for others too because this world does not only comprise of you alone. not only you will emo, i will too. but it seems you always does it. and i'll have to tolerate your almost everyday emo kind of thing. eccentric. is this too nice for you? then crazy will do.
i'm a person who sees friendship as one of the most important thing in life. not money, not love although they both do play an important part. family comes first, followed by friends and studies together. i hate the feeling of being betrayed. you're a liar. you forgot about the promise you made didnt you. why? why do you say it when in the first place, you dont mean it. i didnt force you to say it. i even told you not to promise me. but you insisted. now, you forgot. ha. i'm so dumb and gullible. why did i believe you in the first place? i'm so dumb aint i? you're such a friend indeed. you treat me like some toys? you need me you hang out with me. when you dont need me you tell me you hang out lesser with me. well..dont say you'll hang out lesser with me. i dont want to hang out with you at all you hypocrite. the stupid letter you wrote made me like that. i was neutral with you..but now. i dont know what to say about the friendship between me and you. you spoilt it.

but amidst all these nonsense happening in my life, i found a very very nice friend again. i drifted away from her..but i'm thankful for her. thank you very much(:

Tuesday, July 08, 2008 { 5:22 AM }

i emoed in the morning. i started my day horribly and i shant say why. then when i reached school, i thought everything would be fine, but i'm so wrong. i didnt bring my pe t-shirt because i was damn tired to do pe and i couldnt find my pe t-shirt. because i was too lazy to really find it, i decided not to bring. oh wells, i have to do make up pe lesson on thursday. and guess what? i have to reach school by 6.45! and where do i stay? i dont even know catching the earliest bus will get me to school on time or not. what can i say? i tried to ask if i can do it in the afternoon instead, but she obviously didnt want me to go in the afternoon. OH WELLS. by that time, i was so overwhelmed with sadness and anger. i was "abandoned". i thought i should wait for you but when you finished, you just walked away. you left me standing there like some kind of a fool. it's the second time already. and then, you treat it as though nothing has happened. you didnt turn back at least to look for me. i'm not worth being you friend. when i sat down in the gallery for attendence taking, i finally broke down. i couldnt take it anymore. my screwed up day, my sucky results, my so called friend..i think my life is just so screwed up. i just cried and cried. then i sat in front of the toilet and looked at thendral and yinmei run. hahaas! poor me): after that we went canteen and sat there to talk. i was talking to thendral. talking talk talk, i suddenly cried again. but i dont know if i should laugh or cry, so i ended up laughing and crying. man..it felt so good to finally cry everything out. IT FEELS DARN GOOD(:(:(: in the end, the day continued quite smoothly. it ended quite well i could say. thank you thendral and yinmei for today! hahaas(:

Friday, July 04, 2008 { 4:52 AM }

don't treat me so well, it makes me guilty. my conscience is bugging me. i look at your haggard back view..i feel so so so guilty. i know that no matter how many sorries i say, it's useless. i have to not care about my mye results and get on in life. if not, i'll like thinking about it..i'm so very sorry. please, will you forgive me?

Thursday, July 03, 2008 { 7:37 AM }

i feel so sorry for myself. i dont understand why i cant do it when i have done all the preparation. i feel so pathetic and stupid. yea, i'm just not smart enough. early in the morning came a bomb. not literally. my chem paper was released at the second period i think. i already prepared myself for the shock, but i didnt know i still couldnt take it. sigh..and that sentence made me even more angry and bitter. then i thought of you. i dont know how i'm suppose to tell you this sucky result. i really did put in effort for that particular subject (but maybe still not that much as others have), but i still didnt make it. i cmi la. i'm so so so sorry i let you down yet again. and also, i want to say sorry to those people whom i daoed this morning because of my super lousy mood. hahaas. i've kan kai already. there's no use for me to brood over this thing. why not look forward to a new beginning tomorrow? jia you to everyone who didnt do as well as they want to do for mye. i'm sure this will change when promo comes. jia you jia you(:

Tuesday, July 01, 2008 { 6:26 AM }

i'm fat=( and my weigh is no longer my secret=((